The Memoirs I wish I could Write Page 2

But, its a start.

To tell you the truth, I don't know what will happen when I'm done with it all. I really don't know why I'm writing. I really don't know why I'm doing anything at all. I just do. And hope that, in the end, it will all make sense. I guess you could call my life a type of "collage," pieces of mistakes, truths, and flaws placed in an unorganized or unrecognizable manner, that when looked upon too closely, its simply scattered nonsense, but when looked from afar, beauty incarnate.

I've lost friends. Yet, I move on.
I've lost loves. Yet, I move on.

The real question, though, is not whether things make sense in the end, but why I moved on, and from what.

I don't claim to have all the answers, as one with experience. Experience does NOT mean truth. I've experienced too many fatal flaws for something as fragile and black and white as truth to be contingent upon it.

I look at certain individuals in my life, and ask myself "What if everything worked out, and what if my life were as easy and as simple as theirs seems to be?" I definitely wouldn't be who I am today. I definitely wouldn't be as Lost as I am today. I definitely wouldn't strive as much as I do today, or be as determined or passionate to succeed as I am today.

They know nothing but success. But I know failure. I know flaws. I know mistakes. I know darkness. This is what makes me, me. As a result, I guess I appreciate Success, Perfection, Flawlessness, and Good a whole lot more.

Their virgin ego is nothing more than idiocracy. They know nothing of life.

I've consistently had to ask myself if Life was worth living for, and What is li-

Page 2

People

''Love can be so offensive sometimes. I mean, your compelling me to change everything i've ever known, while risking not being loved back. Sure, I want change, if it means me remaining the same! I dont want to change, but you definately need to, rude! I mean, you dont know me at all, jerk! How dare you ask me to love people.''

This is too often our attitude towards the love God asks of us.


Grace: the power to do what God commands of us.

LOVE.

Etude le Repete

So, that's pretty much my attempt to be francaise. Doesn't really work out, eh?

Nonetheless, I've become a ball of passion, enraging with fire and brimstone, floating upon the heavens as a feather plucked from the most celestial bird. Maybe I'm getting to close to the sun. But thats what makes it so exuberant, so desirable.

Sacrificial love is on the menu, "Tonight's Special" so laid out in big red letters. And yet, I feel as though the only letter upon my body is of scarlet origin. I mean, who am I, really?

I've come to answer this question about forty times four times. And I believe I've come to a sufficient answer, but I think that, finding an answer, is exactly what I'm afraid of. Life wouldn't be filled with the suspense, the lingering emotion of fear and trembling that calls my name in a whisper through the void night awaiting dawn. I don't want to remain stagnant.

I threw a penny into a fountain, and as most, I wished for satisfaction, for happiness. But after a few moments of reconsideration, I decided to find a dime (its worth more, so it beat out my penny wish) and wish to never be satisfied, to never be whole. I always want to be filling the cup, never to be overflowing. I always want to get deeper, and deeper, and deeper, and deeper. This is the joy of eternity for me. I never want Glorious and Divine Satisfaction in Heaven, I want the kingdom to be filled with a cup that is never done being poured into. I want to be that cup that constantly is being poured into, and is given the opportunity to pour into others, without stopping. I want to take "Don't//Stop" into eternity.

Humanity has the huge desire to "Quench Thirsts," to "Get their Satisfaction," to enjoy Pure, Virgin Bliss.

And yet, I find myself to be extremely existential in my desire for pure, unadulterated, eternal emptiness that is constantly being filled, again, and again, and again. Never to remain filled. But to be filled over and over and over and over and over.

They say eternity exists in a single period (.) , and I think I agree.

Who am I?

To reiterate a simple statement from my previous post: To endure is what it means to be me.

I've come to the realization that there will never be enough time for bi-partisan cooperation within myself. My spirit will never be able to cooperate with my flesh. My flesh will never compromise its never-ending journey to pull me down. For the last few weeks, I've been attempting to compromise, to cooperate with them both. If I give a little, I lose a little. And, for a few weeks, I was okay with that. I mean, how harmful could it be?

So, what was this compromise? What was this dirty little sin? Indifference.

I saw individuals, I saw people, and I judged them, and I decided that it was easier for me to simply NOT care. And guess what. It was easier to not care. It was too easy to just forget all about it, to run away from it, and to pretend it didn't exist.

But, I've come to the awareness that that's called being "lukewarm."

Am I calling myself a lukewarm Christian? No. I am saying, though, that I have gone through a dry-spell, and after pressing in, praying, and fasting, divine revelation has emerged to successfully reveal in me a need to "endure."

Love is a war. Its a fight to truly Love the people who've hurt you the most. And I've made the decision to remain myself, and to endure, and love. No matter what anyone thinks.

"Wait, you FORGAVE him? But he hurt you so badly!"

I'm sorry, you can be miserable on your own. I'm going to endure. =]

This is me "not stopping."

Drum Solo!

Boom, Boom, Boom!

Crash....

"I will not stop this race,
Until I see heavens gates.
I will not stop this race,
Until I see you face to face."

To look back, and to look at today, then to look forward. This is what it means to be human. The ability to look. I find myself looking back at the first moment those words came into my mouth, and sprung forth into sounds, (than noise), to today in which I taught a family the chords, to the future, where I will be able to "stop."

again.

"I will not stop this race,
Until I see heavens gates.
I will not stop this race,
Until I see you face to face."

To endure. This is what it means to be me. To keep going, no matter how hard, how tough, how unpleasant, how ill, how painful it becomes. This has been a core theme within my life. To endure. To not stop. To always continue. To return to the place of Love.

Stop!

Oh, Whoa oh oh. Ooh oh oh. Oh.

I'm sure you've never felt this way.

Change seriously makes you doubt your own abilities. It makes you think your being weeded out, given up on, and insecure. Change gives you the opportunity to devalue your own talents, skills, and professions.

When in all reality, I am exactly who I've been all along. Simply a little more honest about it. I just have to work a little more harder. Its not like I'm owed that role or expected to fill it. I'm just really in desire for it. Really passionate for it.


Jesus is still God, and since that's all that matters, I'm going to move forward, without all these "I could have's" or "I should have's."

Its just an Obession. Nothing more.

"Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me will
Always be
Between the lines"

The interesting thing about life is there will always be a huge concern with whether we are right, but more so, whether He/She is wrong.

I think we've all lived within this mode of being for way too long. I mean, who cares if he said that, or she did this, or if we're right and their wrong. 20 years from now, it won't matter, and if it does, you've simply wasted a good 20 years of life to live.

No matter how many details you remember from that one night, or how many lines you remember from that one scene way back when, yesterday isn't coming back. But tomorrow's on its way. To live is to Determine Tomorrow's too important to waste precious thought on yesterday. To live freely is to determine Today is too relevant for Tomorrow's hopes.

To live honestly is to ensure that Yesterday stay's in Yesterday, and doesn't leak into today or tomorrow.

This silly relationship we have with these three things. Yesterday is like that innocent sin. Nothing too big for damnation into Hell. Today is that stranger that smiles at you, but your too uncomfortable to smile back. Its just Apathy and Indifference. Tomorrow is our distant friendship. Our love that is too far a distance to love, so we just let go. Its just a dead hope. No biggie.

This is the attitude we've taken as humans. Just the same thing over and over. Nothing new under the sun. So why try?










I'm sorry, I'm going to go dream, and hope, and love. If you have a problem with that, feel free to comment below, but rest assured, I probably won't read it. I'm too busy living life. =]

Another Intuitive Altruism

iHope
iLove
iDream
iWish
iDesire
iPray
iPlay
iLaugh
iCreate
iFilm
iMentor
iLearn
iWalk
iSeek
iRun
iErr
iFall
iStand
iForgive
iRush
iProcrastinate
iAccomplish
iAchieve
i before e, accept after C
iSee
iHurt
iSuffer
iContinue
iEndure
iShare
iKeep
iRunAway
iWalkAway
iText
iTalk
iGossip
iSin
iRepent
i am His.



What's your "i"?

Blessed are these Hands

If I had to dwindle my entire life into a single declaration of truth, a universal altruism for all of man to learn from, it would be this:

Life is nothing more than the opportunity to dream, hope, love, and change. To live is the largest responsibility that most of humanity has yet to accomplish. To live passionately in pursuit of something greater than myself, the people around me, and the reality that has been given to me. To be able to relate to yourself, understand yourself, and know yourself.

It is this absence of true Identity that we allow the Devil the single foothold required to bring us hell. It is with our permission that the Enemy pursues us, discovers us, and welcomes us to Hell.

Bear fruit, Love your neighbor, Love your neighbor's neighbor, and, above all, Love your Enemy. To be in agreement with the one who hurt you, made you suffer, bore pain across your heart, and was the spawn of all brokenness in your life: That is how we win this war.





Seriously, Just forgive him. Just forgive her. Get over it and move on.

Can we call it Love?

Continual growth, this form of suffering.
Just needing to let it out. Just needing to allow it
its freedom.

Fire burning, tearing me up inside. I cannot hold it back.
I cannot resist its mighty temptation.
Can we call it Love?

We can.

=]