The End.

Wow. I would have never imagined this day to be as real as it is. I've completed exactly what I set in my heart to complete. I've been given the gift of success, of accomplishment, of being exactly what I've wished my entire life to be.

To hear exactly what I heard on that stage tonight was exactly what was needed. Every inch of my soul, every aspect of my body, every specific act of personality and trait was all compiled into one single moment in which I heard "I'm Proud Of You."

The array of youthful cheers applauding what very few hope to do themselves couldn't be as real as it was. I mean, after all of the mistakes, all of the mountains and obstacles, could it really be that I'm living the exact life that I've only dreamed of. To be as free as I've ever existentially believed.

Everything I've ever done, with huge amounts of passion and enthusiasm actually meant something, actually added up to something, actually got me somewhere.

I truly believe Heaven is going to be filled with a lot of tears. A lot of "sorry"'s and a lot of "If only I could go back..."

I'll probably be filled with apologetic wallowing to a God too good to me, but I know now that, at this very specific moment, I won't have to say "If only I could go back..."

14 hour days mean something. And it's deeper than every expected.

So much has been caught. This is my time to step back and remember...


.... The only question left to ask ....

What's Next?

Who I've Chosen to Be.

I will not simply live my life for money, which, when translated, simply means I will not simply look for a job that pay's the bills leaving me with a little extra, buy a nice house, and strive for the perfect life.

I do not want to have the perfect life. I have chosen to not simply live a life for the mundane, for happiness. I will change my world, happy or not.

I'm about to make a very pompous, seemingly prideful statement.

I was made for greatness. I was made to change my world. I was made for such a time as this to grab the baton and win this race. I was called, chosen, hand-picked for a very specific purpose.

We are pressured to find a job that will pay the bills as quickly as possible, to get the best education you could get, to obtain as much wealth as possible, and to accomplish as much as you can before you die. And than you die, and all is forgotten.

Well, I say no. Actually, I say Hell No.

Now, the struggle I've had lately is that this pressure is becoming overbearing. To be a little personal:

I am not where I'm supposed to be. The employment I currently have is not what I'm supposed to be doing. The internship I'm currently involved in is the first step, and this is what I want to pursue. Not my current employment.

I have been called. My name has been added to the "Full Time Ministry" category. I will not give up, I will not be shaken or moved from this promise. I was made to do the work of my father.

I will work in full-time ministry, even though all the odds are against me.

Now, imagine, knowing what your called to do and how to spend the borrowed time God has given you on this earth and being pressured to do something else, to simply find another purpose.

Well, my answer to all of the nay-sayer's, to all of the unbelievers is Hell No. I will not accept that. And I will change your life, your world.

This is my life.

An eternal sacrifice. Without treasure.

I'm an effect without a cause.

Aperture Science

For the good of all of us,
except the ones who are dead.

There's no sense crying over every mistake.
Keep on trying till you run out of cake.

I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.

BUT!

These points of data make a beautiful line.
Aperture Science.
Doing what we must for all who care.

Go ahead and leave me.
I think I'd prefer to stay inside.
With all of this information.
All of this chemistry.
All of this Research.
All of it.

I am alive. =]
Still alive.

Psalms 2

Written in the key of CmAug.
Musical piece for the Grand Acoustic Piano and Acoustic Guitar


Its been so long.
I remember the trembling of my voice in saying
the simple salutation of "Hello,"
knowing it were to only lead to the
last "GoodBye."

Statements made prior to acknowledging
the emotion that would reluctantly be felt.

I'd rather not repeat the already fragile
scene, where two friends part from their
loyal paths.

I was in love with the world, and it with me.
But I had to say GoodBye.

Though I'm aware of the consequences,
I am justified, by the small faith that I do have,
to keep going.

To not let go, and to endure. That is the precious truth.

Psalms 1

Written in the key of Em.
Musical piece for the Grand Acoustic Piano


I wish to be a blank slate,
an opportunity for God to write His own
epistle of Love upon my heart.
And yet, I continually write my own
thoughts, my own wants, my own plans.
I continually defile and shred that slate
I so want to keep clean.
I perfectly remain flawed, making each
mistake in unison with the
wavering of my strength.
I want to walk the straight path laid
out so clearly and plainly, but
have become a drunk off my
own flaws and regrets.

Selah


I will not be shaken.
I will not be moved.
For my God will provide the strength
in my weakness, and He will continually
allow me to stand upon the promises
founded upon Grace.

Amen.

The Philosophers Agony.

I want to write something amazing. I want to write something beyond my own capabilities, something I could be proud of. I want to manipulate the English Language so beautifully, the elite would be the only select few to understand it. I want to be the creator of something so marvelous, so exclusive, it would take essay's to explain.

I guess I'm just tired of being the created. I desire more. It's within me to want more. It's an innate, tangible object that's only real to me. I know what is forbidden to know. Its the forbidden love that's killed the elite. Its the forbidden that's been detrimental to the future of so many. None have been able to attain it without a precious cost. Too many have concluded the cost to be worth it. But is it?

Am I alone in this agony of consistent Fear and Trembling? Am I in solitude for a future in plasticity? To long for ignorance is the root of all evil, the forbidden tree. I desire to be Adam, the man prior to the fall, prior to intellect. I find awareness to be worth too much. I find philosophy, syllogisms, logistic accuracy worthless without the essence of pure, undefiled purpose.

Who cares if A=C, so long as I enjoy life, right?
A can equal whatever it wants to, as long as I can be whatever I want to.

And yet, its the issue of questioning, of writing this exact blog that I desire so much to run away from.

People pt 2

People will disappoint you. They will make mistakes. They will be wrong to the nth degree. They will hurt your feelings. They will fail you. They wont meet your standards. They will be stubborn. They wont want to cooperate. They will make your life so much harder. They will make you doubt yourself. They wont love you enough to change.

Thats life.

Be different. Love them when they dont deserve it. Forgive them when you dont want to.

Thats christianity. Live it.

There was once a Nation

Freedom. Liberty. The ability to move forward without the intervention of the State.

Its a Shame that Success and wealth are now CRIMINAL in the eyes of the Liberal Democrats. Its a shame that being "rich" is now looked down upon. Its a shame that we've lost all sense of unity. Its a Shame the People no longer have the power.

There was once a nation that fought, died, committed acts of treason only to later get beheaded for the right of Freedom, for the right to live a life apart from the government.

There was once a nation that held itself together by the bonds and relationships of the People, not the secret meetings of Politicians, that was aware of the treachery of Tyranny, that never allowed itself back to Kings and Queens.

Its a shame that, as I protest, as I lift my banners and scream out my slogans of Justice and Freedom, I am looked at as nothing more than a lunatic who doesn't know the facts. I remember learning about those who protested, those who fought against the treachery of the Federal Government, with awe and inspiration to be actively apart of the war between the People and them.

You were once a hero to stand, to fight, to go against all odds, to support Freedom rather than Equality.

This new Health Care "reform" is JUST like the other Government Programs: It deters people from actually PURSUING happiness, from ACHIEVING anything. Why work when the government will take care of you?

Democrats, Liberals, Be afraid. November IS coming. The End Is Near for all of you who chose to IGNORE the voice of the people.

The Memoirs I wish I could Write Page 2

But, its a start.

To tell you the truth, I don't know what will happen when I'm done with it all. I really don't know why I'm writing. I really don't know why I'm doing anything at all. I just do. And hope that, in the end, it will all make sense. I guess you could call my life a type of "collage," pieces of mistakes, truths, and flaws placed in an unorganized or unrecognizable manner, that when looked upon too closely, its simply scattered nonsense, but when looked from afar, beauty incarnate.

I've lost friends. Yet, I move on.
I've lost loves. Yet, I move on.

The real question, though, is not whether things make sense in the end, but why I moved on, and from what.

I don't claim to have all the answers, as one with experience. Experience does NOT mean truth. I've experienced too many fatal flaws for something as fragile and black and white as truth to be contingent upon it.

I look at certain individuals in my life, and ask myself "What if everything worked out, and what if my life were as easy and as simple as theirs seems to be?" I definitely wouldn't be who I am today. I definitely wouldn't be as Lost as I am today. I definitely wouldn't strive as much as I do today, or be as determined or passionate to succeed as I am today.

They know nothing but success. But I know failure. I know flaws. I know mistakes. I know darkness. This is what makes me, me. As a result, I guess I appreciate Success, Perfection, Flawlessness, and Good a whole lot more.

Their virgin ego is nothing more than idiocracy. They know nothing of life.

I've consistently had to ask myself if Life was worth living for, and What is li-

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