An Actual Blog

So, I decided it was time for me to actually write a Blog again. Just this one time. I couldn't hold back. I just need to write what I'm feeling. I'm going to try to have focus, but I'm going to write how my mind thinks, whether it be focused or not.


Too much has happened. My mood ring say's "Blue," and some website said that it meant I was at "Peace" or in a "Tranquil" state of mind. And I honestly can't disagree more. So much for mood rings. Ha.

Maybe its the fact that I'm actually living my life how I've always, ever, wanted to live it. I'm composing music. I'm creating videos. I'm leading a drama team. I'm directly involved in the transformation of a city in need. I'm loving. I'm forgiving. I guess the only thing different from who I was and who I am now is that I'm actually living. I don't know, but I just can't put my finger on it.

I'm not at peace, nor am I tranquil. After submerging into the war called Sacrificial Love, I find that I'm having a hard time. I'm finding the job too big. To love a city, sure, but to love a group, let alone a single person?

The one thing that I've truly come to learn within my Internship is that Christianity is NEVER about the receptive gland, but the sacrificial muscle that can never extend inward. Maybe I'm rambling. No, I am rambling. I mean, what is this thing called "Sacrificial Love" anyways?

People live their lives. BUT, no one ever stops to live someone else's. To live my life is to love me for who I am. To understand me. To give all of them to me.

Oh! Another area of my life that may have had an effect on this new discovery is my infatuation with Existentialism, specifically Soren Kierkegaard. The hope of his Knight of Faith has had me transfixed on every piece of his work, from Fear and Trembling to The Moment (Which I have yet to buy completely.)

Ah-ha! Thats it! I miss my innocence. The life of a child, to run and have tomorrow's spelling bee as the largest worry in the world, your world.

I'm just really worried as to where all of this is leading me. I know where I'm walking, and I know what I'm feeling, and I understand and know, within the deepest part of my heart (which is everything in Christianity, if you have yet to notice. It doesn't matter about what you DO, its all about the heart) that God can and will take me where He wills for me to be, all the while living under His protection (granted by submission and obedience.)

Too many parenthesis in that last paragraph. In this entire Blog. In an entire life.

I wish the parenthesi didn't exist. It just makes the entire world so complicated. I wonder what would happen if I decided to knock down those walls called Parenthesis?


Well, so much for focus.

I feel like i've been completely stretched beyond my limits in every area I've ever excelled in. Writing, Music, Theatre, Videography, Speaking, etc. And I love it.

GASP! Maybe Its just this unchartered territory in which these feelings arise. I remember hearing about a moment in Mother Theresa's life in which she expressed a deep depression and anguish, but more so, love for a dying world. I think the fact that I look out and find a world hoping, searching, desiring death so much that it'll take it's own life away from our Father begets a sense of anguish and sorrow within me so much that utter confusion guides my every step.

I am who I am. And That will never change. Nor should it.