An Actual Blog

So, I decided it was time for me to actually write a Blog again. Just this one time. I couldn't hold back. I just need to write what I'm feeling. I'm going to try to have focus, but I'm going to write how my mind thinks, whether it be focused or not.


Too much has happened. My mood ring say's "Blue," and some website said that it meant I was at "Peace" or in a "Tranquil" state of mind. And I honestly can't disagree more. So much for mood rings. Ha.

Maybe its the fact that I'm actually living my life how I've always, ever, wanted to live it. I'm composing music. I'm creating videos. I'm leading a drama team. I'm directly involved in the transformation of a city in need. I'm loving. I'm forgiving. I guess the only thing different from who I was and who I am now is that I'm actually living. I don't know, but I just can't put my finger on it.

I'm not at peace, nor am I tranquil. After submerging into the war called Sacrificial Love, I find that I'm having a hard time. I'm finding the job too big. To love a city, sure, but to love a group, let alone a single person?

The one thing that I've truly come to learn within my Internship is that Christianity is NEVER about the receptive gland, but the sacrificial muscle that can never extend inward. Maybe I'm rambling. No, I am rambling. I mean, what is this thing called "Sacrificial Love" anyways?

People live their lives. BUT, no one ever stops to live someone else's. To live my life is to love me for who I am. To understand me. To give all of them to me.

Oh! Another area of my life that may have had an effect on this new discovery is my infatuation with Existentialism, specifically Soren Kierkegaard. The hope of his Knight of Faith has had me transfixed on every piece of his work, from Fear and Trembling to The Moment (Which I have yet to buy completely.)

Ah-ha! Thats it! I miss my innocence. The life of a child, to run and have tomorrow's spelling bee as the largest worry in the world, your world.

I'm just really worried as to where all of this is leading me. I know where I'm walking, and I know what I'm feeling, and I understand and know, within the deepest part of my heart (which is everything in Christianity, if you have yet to notice. It doesn't matter about what you DO, its all about the heart) that God can and will take me where He wills for me to be, all the while living under His protection (granted by submission and obedience.)

Too many parenthesis in that last paragraph. In this entire Blog. In an entire life.

I wish the parenthesi didn't exist. It just makes the entire world so complicated. I wonder what would happen if I decided to knock down those walls called Parenthesis?


Well, so much for focus.

I feel like i've been completely stretched beyond my limits in every area I've ever excelled in. Writing, Music, Theatre, Videography, Speaking, etc. And I love it.

GASP! Maybe Its just this unchartered territory in which these feelings arise. I remember hearing about a moment in Mother Theresa's life in which she expressed a deep depression and anguish, but more so, love for a dying world. I think the fact that I look out and find a world hoping, searching, desiring death so much that it'll take it's own life away from our Father begets a sense of anguish and sorrow within me so much that utter confusion guides my every step.

I am who I am. And That will never change. Nor should it.

The Growth of a Prayer 1/25/2010

9 Years Old
-----------------------

Dear Jesus,

I went to church again! It's been a really long time since I went, but it was fun. I got to go in the 3rd grade class this time. We played with play-do and colored some pages with different people that had beards and wore long white dresses. It was fun. The lady told me that when I pray, I shouldn't just ask for stuff, but that I should thank you for some of the good things that happen.

Well, thank you for giving me good grades in math. I don't really know what this sign means yet (x), but I know you'll make it easy for me when my teacher teaches me. And thank you for my mom, even though I don't see her much cus she's always at work. And thank you for my grandma who babysits me. And thank you for sports, my dog.

I pray, also, that you give me that batman toy that david has. He lets me play with it in class, but I want one so I don't have to use his and can play at home with it.

In jesus name,

Amen!

The Memoirs I Wish I could write Page 39

ing to take a walk, mom. We'll be back in a little while." Jane's mom looked worried, but trusted her daughter enough to let her make her own mistakes. I can distinctly remember the pale, anguished, compassionate stare she gifted my way, as I pulled Jane away from her.

"Come on Jane, she'll be here when we get back." I snickered, hoping to rid my face of any sorrow, as I led her towards the path in the park. Once we were out of her mothers sight, I let go of her hand. I knew where this journey would eventually end.

Our paths weren't destined to cross, yet we forced ourselves to smile in each others presence. The silence of the tree's became our nature.

"Isaiah, I really had a lot of fun today. I'm glad you came." I remained quiet. After looking at me, she realized something was amiss. "Well, we can either both pretend like there's nothing wrong, or you can just tell me what the matter is."

"You know I love you, right?" I blurted out.

"Isaiah?" Her throat croaked as the sorrow filled her heart.

"To be honest, I'm beginning to have second thoughts about this whole thing we call 'us'. I mean, I really do love you, but my love for you doesn't make me happy. It really makes me kind of sad. Right now, nothing is making me happy. I mean, the whole issue with my dad and how much he's ruined my life." I know this probably wasn't the best thing to say, but it was what my heart told me. So, whether or not it was the most profitable, it was the most true.

"I don't understand?"

"I want you to know that I would never try to hurt you. I promised I wouldn't hurt you, and I'm going to stick to it. Above all, I want you to be happy, even if it means I'm not in the picture." I re

The Memoirs I wish I Could Write Page 4

is isn't just love. This is my love.

I hope that in the end, I will no longer be required to justify my actions, motives or thoughts. I hope that, by the last page written in this book, I will be as free from self-justification as I possibly could be. But, beyond these, I hope.

I've grown up. And looking back, I've come to realize that regrets are simply mistakes in which you learn nothing. Without my mistakes, without my flawless imperfection, who am I really?

My ability to mess up is my ability to remain human. It is with this freedom from perfection that I continue my journey with God. To be anything but Human is to be outside of my relationship with God. But that is a discussion for another page.

Prior to this divine relationship, a large number of attempts were made to find Love and to Hope.

The suffering in my life cannot be fathomed. I went through pain that I, myself,

The Memoirs I wish I Could Write Page 3

fe, and beyond life, what is Love?

Humanity has yet to take one step beyond its hating, jealous, prideful, and doubting nature. My story is only one of the same story that's been told since the dawn of Love. Man loves Woman, Woman loves Man. Truly, if it were this simple, there wouldn't be any need for me to continue. Love would have conquered all.

But the pages about to unravel before you are prime examples of the love we all have: Imperfect, Flawed, Mischievous. In all my life, I have learned only one thing, and that is we are all striving to find that one "attachment-less" love, that so-called unconditional love, the love that will accept us for who we are, and not what we've done.

Before you today are the pages of my growing awareness that people can't love in this manner, that people are incapable of loving one another without attaching some form of expectation. When, ever, has a flawed society perfected itself? When, ever, has a flawed love become unconditional on its own?

This is my story. This is love I have had the privilege to share with some of the most cruel and fantastic people, and the love that I have had to survive off of in times of the greatest despair. Th-

The Memoirs I wish I could write. Page 5

couldn't have imagined. But this is my life. I really can't began to tell you how much I didn't want to write this, how much I struggled to "remember" in enough detail to write for your pleasure. But, I knew it had to be done. I needed to be healed. And so, though this is only page 5, be aware that this isn't the beginning. I've had to make outline after outline, page summary after page summary, so much prep, so much remembering, and I have yet to finish the book.

Its a very hard process, but I know that, in the end, remembering will outweigh forgetting, forgiveness will outweigh selfishness, and Love will not fail.

I guess I should began with a Notice: I won't be telling you everything. I will include only the vitally important scenes, parts, and moments of my life. I will include on some pages "There were many scenes in between this moment and that moment, but none are important enough for you to know. What is important is that I enjoyed my life in those 'between moments'. It was very mediocre. Nothing too happy or too sad, too eventful for me to make note of..."

And so, to take my first step on this journey of remember-

The Growth of a Prayer 1/12/10

5 Years Old
---------------

Dear Jesus,

I got 98% on my test! And mommy put it on our fridagater. She was soo happy, and had a really big smile on her face. I remembereded her prayer, and I think you answered it. I hope you did. Because that would mean your going to gimme that red truck soon, too! I’m sorry jesus for being mad at you the other day. I was thinking, maybe you were just too busy at work or something to buy that red truck, so i’m sorry for bugging you. But I would really like one for my next birthday gift. I know it’s a loooong time away, but hopefully it’ll be enough time for mommy to get more checks or for you to send your angels for me to give it to me. Thanks again jesus!

Amen!

The Growth of a Prayer 1/11/10

5 Years Old
----------------
Dear Jesus,

I forgot to study for this spelling bee. I hope your not in school, too. If your not too busy at work or at school, can you please tell me the answers to the spelling test? Thank you Jesus.

Amen!

The Memoirs I wish I could Write, Page 53

de! whats up?"

I knew what he was really asking me: 'can I continue talking forever?'

Cody was the type of person who wouldn't shut up. But he was the weird kind of people, because he wouldn't talk at all in person, but when on the phone, he would yap on forever.

"Nothing, really. What's up with you?" What I just said was "Nothing you'd care to talk to me about, so keep on talking." And he accepted my offer like a belated birthday gift.

"Well, first of all, where were you today at school? Did you ditch with her again? I mean, come on! You really need to start going to class if your hoping to pass the 11th grade. I really think you should start focusing on school, especially fifth period. Ooh, about fifth period, so there was this really hot girl who came in to class while I was presenting my project, by the way, have you finished your project?"

I didn't think he intended me to answer, so when it became quiet, I thought I had missed something vitally important and he had hung up on me.

"Hello?" was all I could sum up.

"Did you finish your project yet? Your presenting tomorrow!"

"Oh crap. Not yet." I knew that I wouldn't have much time to explain before he started talking again, so I didn't even bother.

"Well, why not? Your seriously going to fail. Anyways, so this really hot girl came in while I was presenting, and everyone's mouths just dropped, but I kept on presenting, because I didn't notice yet, and craig, in the front row, was like 'dude, shut up, hottie to the left!' and everyone started busting up. It was hilarious. So, how was your day with Jane? You know everyone's really jealous of-

The Growth of a Prayer 1/05/10

5 Years Old

Dear Jesus,

That lady lied to me! She said you would give me stuff and you would answer my prayers, but you didn’t answer any of them. I didn’t get no presents cus mommy didn’t use her checks to buy me gifts, and my daddy didn’t come home either. I thought you were real?? I thought you gave me stuff? I don’t think we’re going back to church, cus mommy said you didn’t answer her prayers either. I asked her what kind of toy she asked you for, but she said I was too little to understand the kind of toy she wanted. She said you couldn’t see the toy, but it was called happiness. I told her we should just go to Disneyland, cus on the commercial it said it’s the happiest place on earth. But she said she doesn’t have any more checks, so next time. God, I thought you were real. Why won’t you answer me?

Amen!

The Memoirs I wish I Could Write, Page 40

sponded. But she knew what was ahead of us wasn't exactly as I explained.

"Your eye's say different." She understood me too well. She looked down, as if she was trying to recall a better time, a time worth remembering. "Do you remember when you told me you liked me, back in my backyard? How embarrassed you were to just tell me that you had feelings for me? I mean, I know it was years ago, back in fourth or fifth grade, bu still. Do you remember that moment, when everything was too happy to be real?" We continued walking, hands apart.

I looked up at her, to signal that I had remembered. She continued, "Most would have been more willing to tell me. I mean, most would have died for a chance to tell me that they loved me, and for me take them serious enough to like them back."

"So, your saying that your too beautiful, too perfect, for me to end it?" I began to grow angry. Who did she think she was?

"I'm trying to say that I accepted you no matter how you felt about yourself. I was trying to say that no matter what you felt like, I knew what I felt towards you." I let go of my shoulders, relieved that I was wrong in my anger, anguished in knowing the future of our encounter.

"Don't do this to me, Jane. Don't make this seem like its my fault. Its him whose holding me back. Its always been his fault. He's the one sto-

Page 40

The Memoirs I wish I Could Write Page 55

and I just, officially, broke up with her." I quickly added.

The conversation grew silent.

"What?"

"I said they were watching some movie about a dog." Again, silence. "And that I broke up with her."

"Are you crazy?!?!" I expected loud. "Do you know what you just did? You ruined your entire life! She is the hottest chick in the entire freaking school, besides Emma, and you broke up with that?!"

"I had to do what I had to do."

"Don't give me that bull quote. Now what are you going to do? I mean, you've been with her for how long, and now your planning on everything to be just normal?"

"No, not normal. Better, maybe, but not normal."

"Aye! Your crazy for not being with her."

"Dude, your too predictable. How could I be with her if she's leaving?"

"She's not leaving!"

"You know what I mea-

The Memoirs I wish I Could Write Page 52

inued to bang the back of my head across the head board of my bed. It was already late into the night, my parents had already fallen asleep, and my older brothers were too busy watching a movie in the living room to pay attention to my existence.

No girlfriend.
No family.

In all meanings of the term, at this very moment, I was completely free.

Whether or not I would live in this freedom was an entirely different story, and one that I really can't fit into my memoirs as realistic. I still had to face school the next day. I still had to live life the same way I did before. And while my head was numbing from the constant banging, my cell phone rang.

Cody.

I did what any lonely boy would do. I answered the phone.

"Hey du-

The Growth of a Prayer

5 Years Old

Dear Jesus,

I forgetted to prey to you last nite, so I hope its ok to prey in te mornings. I forgotd two ask you bout my dady. He hasnt com arond in a long time, and he sed he wants to comm to my berthdey, but mommy sed he cant come over cus I think shes mad at him. I dont know why shes mad at him, tho. But my berthdey is tommorow, and I kno its last minut, but can you pleese make sher he coms? He talkded to me on the phown, and sed he was gowing to get me that red truk, so if he coms and givs me it, you dont have to after all, cus what wold I do with to truks? Thenk you jesus. Ooo, and I luve you.

Amen!